The Golden Rules of Time Travel

I feel I had to do this article because the propagation of Time Travel memes is out of control. Time travel as a medium of travel is loose within the bowels of the populous. And I don't a trust a one of ya.

Not only that, the propagation of horrible time travel etiquette is also out of control which is far more dangerous than the time travel virus itself.

AND Not only that, but people are becoming so familiar with bad time travel and its tropes that they think a movie with barely acceptable time travel is good time travel. And even that barely acceptable is sorely lacking in proper time travel causality.

Lets ask ourselves for a second where do we stand with the flow of time? Do we understand the various theories on it. Or possible mechanism involved in it. No? Hmmm messing with things we haven't even the foggiest notion. Oh sounds like quite a bit of fun doesn't it? (^_^)

Well you are wrong! But when has that ever stopped humans from doing anything? It is said some of the scientists who worked on the first a-bomb thought there was a chance the explosion could ignite the earth’s atmosphere and burn the earth to a crisp.

As history shows they went on with the test anyway.



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Alright then lets ask first. Are you a bad time traveler? Not evil bad, but bad in the sense of a Mark Sanchez-esc football player. Are you a catastrophe waiting to happen?

First lets ask if you are planning on going into the past. Yes? That is bad.

What is your reason for going into the past? Is it something to do with nostolgia over your life? Yes? That is Bad.
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Have you considered the consequences of time travel? No? That is bad.

Are you a selfish person? No? Yet you seek to go into the past? So you lied to yourself. Bad.


Do you have contact protocols? No? Willy Nilly? Yes? You are doubly bad.

Have you researched the time period you are going to? No? Suicidally Bad.


There you go. This is what we are dealing with. Poor material with which to make a universe but one does what one can. This post is not for you I am afraid. Report your address, location, and exact date and time to my to my email terror.and.love@gmail.com. So I can report to the proper authorities. For the rest of us on to the rules!

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As you can see this is a sad state of affairs, this time we find ourselves in. So I decided it was time to get everyone a refresher.  We need to reevaluate where we stand with time travel and time travel etiquette. So to the ….

The Golden Rules of Time Travel.

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1) Do not go into the Past.

This IS thee Golden Rule of Time travel. No one person can properly account for all the avenues of chance that can ruin the entire timestream. Every enormous instance and , the most minute minutiae that can affect proper flow of time. Interrupted it can cause disaster. Pesky little things like you not being born in the first place or your mom and da.

This one rule if followed can save you from over 90% of all damage to the time stream. It can save Yourself, your ancestors, your descendants, your race, your universe even.

(Exceptions):There are only a few exceptions and in that cause done so for the most dire of circumstances.

- It is the last hope of the future of humanity to come into the past to save it. Terminator, 4400, Millenium.

Yes that dire. Your child or father dying, while sad is not a sufficient reason for time travel. We are talking macro like destruction of th earth bad. I dont feel like typing out the moral ramification but just know its not big enough unless its on this scale.

Then of course there are the implications of you effecting the timeline of another race by saving your race. But I will grant certain disposition to saving my people as a whole. Bias I know.

*Sigh* If you happen to find yourself in the past through mischance or wizard or alien device you and your friends tripped on then lets look at the rest of the rules. I am assuming you are not a bad time traveller at this point. A bad time traveller wouldn't have any regard for this blog post anyway.

2) Determine what type of time travel rules does your universe operates under.

So you found yourself in the past. The first thing to get a bearing on your environment. What type of time travel rules does your universe run under?

The Closed Universe or the expanding universe? The closed being a linked and enclosed timeline in which the future can be affected by the past.  Or an expanding verse. One that when differences occur a new universe created and from that point the old one still exists but you cant get back to it?

Is your universe one in which you are innately linked to the one in which you came? For example. Does changes in the timestream affect a person from that time instantly? IF so, best be careful. Unlike back to the future, you fuck up events that lead to your birth, you will never know you fucked up. Ah the joys of a closed universe time travel.  Still even in a closed universe you may be immune to the timeline changes if you aren't in the right time. Or maybe you have a device that keeps you from being affected by instantaneous change, ala Bishop in the X-men TAS.

See how tricky this?

For the expanding timetravel verse. Your problems are a bit less academic. You might be able to fix the things that your presence in the past created but if there have been changes you might be able to get back to your proper exact time, as you remember it. But you will never get back to that same universe. Its forever bared to you.

Best to just accept that now and cope.

Location. This is one of the things nearly all time travel movies fail at. The relation of place to the time period it inhabits.  Unless your machine compensates for rotation of the earth, solar system, drift, and expansion of the universe. Going back in time can strand you in the middle of deep space. DEAD. (Good for me though because it will keep the fucking timestream clean.)

There are ways around it though, like linked machines. One linking to a location in past and future. Or if you are in a space conveyance like the dreaded time offenders of the Star Trek enterprise series of ships.


3) Dont Destroy the future. Aka. If you find yourself in the past always research before moving.

A bit different than number two. Once you figure out or make a guess at how time travel is working in your adventure do as much research as possible to minimize your footprint on the time stream. Also try to correct any damage you have done just by going back into the past in the first place.

Ond oh yes, there will be damage done.

Set up a series of protocols based off of the time travel rules you’ve observed. Make sure you bumping into a bum on the street doesnt destroy time. Or you stepping on a butterfly sinks California of 2010 into the future.

This advice is not only to people trapped in the past but you guys out to save humanity too. Remember just the changes you need to to save humanity, we dont need all kinds of new problems because you told your boy you couldn't resist you have to save the future. Which brings me to our next rule.

4) Do not sleep with anyone!

This mostly falls into the responsibility of the closed time travel universe.

Look I dont care if he is all over you. I dont care if you looked at her wallet. You dont fully know what your damn Grandma and pa did in the past. They had a life before they became had your parents and Grand parents. Who knows who has changed their name or lied about their past.
Also pregnancies have a habit of derailing a chance meeting in New York during the end of WW2 where Grammy met Grampy at the docks.

Sometime you can even enter the dreaded time paradox where you are the mother of your own fucking dad and it had to happen that way. I fear for you because this is one of thee most annoying of all time travel tropes to fall into.  The fucked causality trap.

If you are in an unlinked timestream though and you dont plan on or dont think you are getting back. By all means be an ass. Sex your young dad up all you want to. Completely derail entire family lines and the lines those families influenced. Everything is all fucked anyway right? Ya?

5.) Kill all other time travellers.

This seems a bit harsh. But is entirely necessary. I give you famous words.

“Never suffer a Time Traveller to live” - Abraham Lincoln.

*Wipes tear from eye.* Beautiful words Abe just beautiful.

See other time traveler's, be they meddling aliens from the past, our mutated descendents from the scattering future or evil necromancers from parallel worlds.  They probably have not read this and unless they have fallen into the past by accident, have disobeyed the first rule of time travel. And so forfeit any rights to civility or quarter.  Besides, who knows what they are up to, or the damage they can do.

6) Only safe way to go back in time is within your own life time.

If I cant stop you or dissuade you from going back please at least follow this last rule. Of course it might fuck up my life or me even not existing but by this point at least if you follow this rule you wont have too drastic an effect on the time stream.  Like for instance causing the amendment abolishing slavery to not pass. Or by somehow causing the founding fathers to lose the war of independence.

Some of you boomers are still pretty dangerous though, who knows what any little thing could affect the outcome of World War 2 or the Wars to come. Many died but it has brought us to this place we are here. Try not to meddle too much. I mean sure placing money in your past account seems fine at first, but make sure the money is not out of circulation in the time you are going to. I wouldnt want to find myself in jail. Then you have strange questions being raised in Langley if they figure out your money isnt even supposed to be made yet.

7) Only go into the future.

If you are going to time travel. The best thing to do is travel into the future. No worries about poluting your time stream. No worries about never being born because you threw some gum on the ground while you were watching your Da make out with his first girlfriend.

Ah but what about the future? Don't they have a moral right to not have us pastiens messing up their time stream?

I mean it is rude as shit to go traipsing all over the future. Messing up time for people not even born yet, in relation to yourself. Ah another bag of headache inducing ramifications for the respectable and socially conscious time traveler.  But discussing the nature of things to come and what rights they may or may not have is an argument for another time.

So until next time my friends. And just say NO to time travel if you can.